I was your lover, you were my plan
I told you that you were my sun and my sand
We would ride away and get a circus job
And I'd fly away, become a bird of song

El camino, take me home
El camino, take me home

You are a jester and I am an elf
And I'm sad to the bones that are stocked upon my shelf

Take me back to the river of dirt
Take me back to the river of dirt

Built of the veins
And the flesh and the bones
We're oh so painfully alone
Burdened by rivers of dirt and fire
We return to the ground when we retire
Back to the river of dirt and fire

Summer is coming, I can't believe it's true
Where are you, where is she
I'm turning into you
Take me back to the place of the golden slumbers
Where I was happy and you were my middle name

Take me back to the river of dirt
Take me back to the river of dirt

And I grew up in the houses made of lead
The walls were white, the stairs were sharp
The scent of summer land

Take me back to the river of dirt
Take me back to the river of dirt

I don't know. apparently she's coming over? I left thinking she wasn't. I left thinking another day, another time. But she texted... saying, quite explicitly, she wanted to come over. Who am I to say no?

I will not believe in anything anymore.

Nothing that is beyond me, nothing that envelopes me

No, not any more

I will fight for the tips of those mountains

For the edges of those cliffs

I will find her there and

Even if I find myself alone

I will make it my own

And I will always be alive before I am

Trapped.

lamest Halloween ever.

Spent the entire day in bed except between 2:30 and 6 when I went to work. Then I came home and died. I spend several hours agonizing over whether or not to go out.. even spent a good deal of time doing some elaborate makeup on my face, but when nine o'clock rolled around I realized I just needed to sleep-- and basically that the idea of a bar and a drink was about as appealing as a five mile run.

Well, at least I'm well rested. Still sick, but well rested. This is one fucker of a cold.

... Several hours later...

It's strange how us talking always makes her feel so much better and just makes me sick with anxiety. It just all becomes so complicated when it's all out there like that. So complicated and impossible.

Oh the boredom of sickness. And the sickness of boredom.

Ugh. I feel myself slipping back into my old habits. And by old habits, I mean my habits of not doing my homework and not going to class. Skimming by. And I really don't want to! I like school right now for the first time in my life, really- but I'm just so damn sleeeeeepy!! And my alarm going off at 7:30 AM just wasn't working for me today, ya know? So I snoozed.... a while... till like fucking 11! Now I don't have time to get my homework done, which means I might as well just stay home and do it here- especially considering how typically Seattle it is outside. (Though, to be honest, I've been having a bit of a love affair with this soggy fall). But it makes sense that I'm getting tired. I'm off my meds- ALL of them, really, except the green lady and it's fucking winter, almost. I'm really willing to settle for this exhaustion for the simple fact that I'm not wanting to slit my wrists for the first October of my post-pubescent lifetime. So I'm a tired. A little tired.

Definitely skipping Spanish today. What's the point? 5 points of attendance, I guess but that just sounds like a lot of fucking work and a waste of an hour for fifty minutes of review for tomorrow's test. I should care about that, right? Oh I do. I do. But I'll be fine I think. I hope. Gotta study study study tonight. Should probably cancel on Tom. Fail. Week cancellation number 2. Maybe I should take this opportunity (which includes the fact that I have $5 to spare for the first time in over a week) to walk to vivace or something. That actually sounds pretty amazing. That is, I think, what I shall do soon. In a bit... haha.

I
ME
USED
To
MAKE
THESE
THINGS
THAT
GO
LIKE
THISS
JUST
FOR
F
UN

Oh freedom.

I don't know why I'm always so anxious to leave. I was having a good time-- I think. Not a spectacular time, no, but I wasn't painfully miserable either. The minimal silence was comfortable and I think I enjoy her company, but I'm also aware that I'm leaving a large part of my personality at the door. And frankly, it's hard not to conclude that this is going nowhere when I add the facts that she's a left-brained marketing major who hates old things. And I'm a weird-brained CHIDie who hate new things. Let's not even mention that her idea of good music is John Mayer and Keith Urban. I'm such an elitist asshole that I'm even embarrassed to put those names in my blog. I'm embarrassed I know who they are, if you know what I'm saying.

But don't get me wrong-- I think think any of these things compromise a person's awesomeness... but the kind of compromise their ability to get in my pants. Or at least into my heart... in that fuzzy sexy kind of way that seems pretty reserved for that free-spirted, spontaneous, flamboyant woman of my dreams. That woman, by the way, listens to Joni Mitchell and Bob Dylan, not John Mayer-- I'm pretty sure of it.

But I'm also trying not to shoot things down so quickly. Keeping options open, ya know? I can't help but feel like I'm missing the line between open and leading someone on and I'm a little afraid of walking over that. I definitely don't know what I'm looking for. I only vaguely know what I want. And frankly, it's hard to settle for mild attraction when you're used to feeling someone in your bones. Like an electric pulse through my entire body. Sometimes even now I wonder whether or not I would take it all back if I could. Not that it matters. But there aren't many things I can say that about.

Just cut off my hair myself again. Less precise this time, less anxiety. I can't tell whether or not I care that I look a little butchered. I probably don't. I feel a little like repelling people lately. Just the people I want to repel, that is, the kind of people that would be repelled by a bad haircut.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself. Going on dates, canceling dates, going to school, not going to school, being in love, pretending I'm not in love. I feel a little motion sick. Like when I played mario the other day. It's just a little too real. My life is just a little too real, ya know?

I can't wake up happier than I do with her. And no smell is more comforting than that place between her shoulders and her hair and her neck where I used to bury myself and breathe. Sometimes between dreams I will ever so subtly nest my head behind hers. So quietly. Not breathing too loudly. Just a moment before I turn back around and remind myself of the consequences of my actions.

Aaaand she's home.

I'm a little too scared to admit that I'm a little too sad and a little too invested and a little too little.

Ugh. Paralysis.

i wish i had food in my apartment

that is a stupid. i am stupid sometimes. often, lately. and by lately i mean, like, really my whole life, minus maybe the first five or six years. Since then I've been overwhelmingly annoying, uptight, preachy, antisocial, arrogant, reckless, and apathetic, respectively. This isn't where I was going...
But I'm working on it. workin' workin' workin'

My toes are cold. My chest is tight. My stomach is flexed to keep me propped up in this uncomfortable position. My back definitely hurts. ...*shifts*... Ahh, better.

Things I have learned from this tragically uncomfortable evening:

1. I am not special

2. She is just as "in love" with her and she is me

3. I am no exception to her rule

3. This is not news

4. My intuition is always right

5. This is exactly what I anticipated.

Period.

The end.

Emotional investment revoked.

And that familiar restlessness returns. GAWWWDDDDDD. This shit runs deep.

As Dawn so eloquently put it, "I don't need an eighth serving of your bullshit, thanks."

Word.

Last night I dreamed that I told Brittany with every sense of finality that I did not want her in my life in any way. She walked away in heartbroken silence and though I felt the heaviest pang of loss, I did not go after her.

I see her tomorrow and I still don't know what to say.

if you love her let her go

I care less about her everyday. Like shingles blown off the roof by the wind.

It's amazing how quickly love can be revoked. How quickly compassion can be dismissed. How quickly anger can destroy foundations that took months to build.

My heart hurts.